If You're Going To Shop In Tesco: Another Song for Covid-19

We now hear that Van Morrison, a musician perhaps not best known for his sunny disposition or sense of humour, has written a trilogy of songs in which he leaves his antipathy to lockdown and related anti-Covid measures completely beyond doubt. An entirely legitimate view, of course. However, while the embittered and the heartfelt plea types of protest song are long established, they are not necessarily the best medicine in these ludicrous times. Laughter, via parodies, might just have the edge. 

Fifty three years ago, the Summer of Love was memorably reflected in Scott McKenzie’s best selling single “San Francisco”. How might he have commemorated this year’s Summer of Fear? Maybe like this…

If you’re going to shop in Tesco

Be sure to wear a cover on your face

If you’re lacking a mask in Tesco

Wagging fingers will signal deep disgrace

For those who come to their local Tesco

Summertime will be an ordeal there

In the aisles of downtown Tesco

Frightened people who cower in despair

All across the nation

Chronic aggravation

Deep in commotion

Resigned capitulation

To asphyxiation

Shuffling motion

Devoid of emotion

Be it Sainsburys or be it Tesco

Petty rules will make you tear your hair

Asda, Waitrose, and Lidl and Tesco

Quality of life just can’t be purchased there

Will we ever return to our local Tesco

Muzzle free, and feeling happiness

Or will we abandon the likes of Tesco

Buy it all online, and save ourselves the stress

All across the nation

Resentment and frustration

Deep in commotion

No common sense explanation

For this abomination

Shuffling motion

Devoid of emotion...

They Swallowed The Lie: Another Song for Covid-19

 

If we were to cast our minds back 50 years or more, we might recall a joke song of a slightly scary nature – as it seemed at the time to the average infant – about the curious gastronomic pursuits of an old lady, whose inevitable consequential demise was confirmed in spoken word form right at the end. Stand up and take a bow, Burl Ives - video link below.

On the subject of demise, a fate that awaits us all some day, one of Lord Sumption’s observations on the government reaction to Covid is that we have been made to feel an irrational horror of death. Could it be that a lethal combination of charlatan experts and arse covering politicians, neither having properly considered whether lockdown might cause greater misfortunes of a different nature, has induced us to swallow a lie?

Back to that scary song. Pick up the guitar, strum an opening C chord, and reappraise the lyrics: -   

I know a whole nation who swallowed a lie

We all know why they swallowed the lie

They feared they’d die

 

I know a whole nation who furloughed the labour

And left a huge bill for the taxpaying neighbour

They furloughed the labour to back up the lie                             

We all know why they swallowed the lie                                     

They feared they’d die                                                  

 

I know a whole nation who shut all the works

What absolute berks to shut all the works

 

They shut all the works ‘cause they’d furloughed the labour

And left a huge bill for the taxpaying neighbour

They furloughed the labour to back up the lie

We all know why they swallowed the lie

They feared they’d die

 

I know a whole nation shut hospital wards

How could they afford to shut hospital wards

 

They shut all the wards to save the works (etc)

 

I know a whole nation who shut all the schools

Such impetuous fools to shut all the schools

 

They shut all the schools to save the wards (etc)

 

I know a whole nation who shut all the pubs

A gratuitous snub when they shut all the pubs

 

They shut all the pubs to save the schools (etc)

 

I know a whole nation with mandatory muzzles

A curious puzzle, inflicting the muzzles

 

They inflicted the muzzles to save the pubs

They shut all the pubs to save the schools

They shut all the schools to save the wards

They shut all the wards to save the works

They shut all the works ‘cause they’d furloughed the labour

And left a huge bill for the taxpaying neighbour

They furloughed the labour to back up the lie

We all know why they swallowed the lie

They feared they’d die

 

I know a whole nation who took a big knife

To their quality of life