Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Scotland Decides: a Blackadder flashback

With the Scottish Independence Referendum campaign drawing to a close, it is time to resurrect a long forgotten episode of the much underrated Blackadder 1, Born To Be King, and update one of the closing scenes where Prince Edmund has unwisely challenged Lord Dougal McAngus, Duke of Argyll, to a duel.

With Edmund’s feeble weapon having been shattered by one blow from McAngus’ broadsword, leaving Edmund cowering before McAngus’ feet begging for mercy, let us update the characters: -

McAngus/Salmond: Right now, let’s see the Black Adder wriggle out of this one.

Edmund/Cameron: No, wait! I’ll give you everything I own. Everything.

McAngus/Salmond: Uh-huh?

Edmund/Cameron: Yes. I’m hardly a rich man.

(Voice offstage: You’re hardly a man at all.)

Edmund/Cameron: But my horse must be worth a thousand ducats. I can sell my wardrobe, the pride of my life, my swords, my curtains, my socks, and my fighting cocks, my servants I can live without, except perhaps he who oils my rack. And then, my most intimate treasures. My collection of antique codpieces. My wigs for state occasions, my wigs for private occasions, and my wigs for humorous occasions... (ad nauseam)

McAngus/Salmond: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, that’s nowhere near enough. (He rises to strike, and then stops.) I’m only kidding. I’m quite interested in the wigs. I hope life doesn’t get too dull for you, not being able to pass laws over Scotland any more. Ha ha!

Edmund/Cameron: Yes. Ha ha ha ha. (To himself.) I wouldn’t pass water over Scotland.

It may, of course, be a step too far to move on to the closing scene, where Edmund/Cameron carries out a cunning plan recommended by Baldrick/Boris some time before the St Leonard’s Day Celebrations/Scottish Independence Referendum, involving the accidental insertion of a certain Scotsman’s head into a loaded cannon, followed by a mighty boom. So I will simply close, in the face of our PM having all but entirely debased himself this week with the offers he has made (regardless of what Parliament might think) in support of a No vote, with an observation that I can see many attractions in Scottish independence. But I will keep them to myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment