A Brexit speech for Penny Mordaunt?

One claim to fame for Penny Mordaunt MP, undoubtedly a rising star in Parliament, is that she once made a rather unorthodox speech in the Commons about poultry welfare in satisfaction of a forfeit that she incurred as a Royal Navy reservist. Specifically, she managed to use the word "cock" within that speech on more than one occasion, without arousing undue suspicion at the time. Here's a link: -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvLcYUXBBuc

Now that she has nailed her colours firmly to the mast of the Brexit campaign, she might be in need of another inspirational speech. It might go something like this...

"Fellow British patriots, we should no longer tolerate the Prime Minister’s cock and bull stories about his EU reforms. His shuttlecock diplomacy has achieved nothing.

The Remain camp can do little more than strut around like peacocks and peddle the arrogant propaganda of Project Fear. They know full well that we Brexiteers can use reason and common sense to knock their scaremongering into a cocked hat.

We can now see what a cock-eyed scheme the EU was all along, serving a hideous cocktail of regulation and waste.  It is high time we commandeered the stopcock and diverted the flow against its legislating cockroaches.

Just take a look at the almighty Cockaigne in Brussels. Do we want to take orders from that cockalorum Jean Claude Juncker? Or from that cockatrice Angela Merkel? Is it befitting for our Prime Minister to solicit their treats like a cocker spaniel before returning home to cock his leg against Parliament?

The battle ahead will be more than just a cockfight. I call upon my Conservative colleagues not to spin aimlessly like weathercocks in a gale. I call upon Scousers and Geordies, Brummies and Cockneys, to climb into the Brexit campaign cockpit. Let us cock a snook at the powers that be, and reject their poppycock for once and for all. Let us ensure that we will be cock a hoop on Referendum Day. Victory will warm the cockles of our heart.

One final word for our cocksure Prime Minister. If you really think you are cock of the walk, take me on in a debate. And if you don’t have the courage, send Matthew Hancock."

Pointless Professional Awards - with hidden extras

Last week I was treated to the news, via an unsolicited email, that following months of research by the in-house awards team at the Spennymoor & Cricklewood Combined Pigeon Fanciers’ Association International*, my law practice had been named the “Most Innovative Law Firm of 2016, your region”.

Well, whoopeedoo. There’s something to crow about. Even if they were so bird brained as to omit a specific reference to the West Midlands. If they really want to describe us as one of the UK’s “most competitive, cutting-edge and inventive law firms…most deserving of one of our prestigious awards”, who are we to bury our heads in the sand? Especially when we are reminded that we can put a further feather in our cap by announcing this news publicly?

Now for the catch. Publicity from the makers of the award comes at a price. It starts at £300 for a basic package comprising a listing in print and online, a trophy, and a “Most Innovative Law Firm” logo. The creative package, a bargain at £800, would bring a “full page inclusion” of an article that we were evidently expected to write. If we really wanted to push the boat out, we could go for the cutting edge package with a front cover headline and a double page spread, which we would again evidently be expected to write. Quite a lot for £1,400?

Well, perhaps not. Even if it could be taken on trust that the makers of this prestigious award did in fact have over 100,000 subscribers and 40,000 monthly website visitors, it’s still a lot of money to pay for some here today gone tomorrow advertising. Especially without any guarantee of a worthwhile return that was actually generated by the advertising.

“Oh, but it’s not just advertising! Don’t forget the award!” But let’s get some sense of perspective here. It’s not the Oscars. And many potential clients would quite reasonably think that professional advisers’ awards were, frankly, not that much of a reliable illustration of true quality and skill, but were more comparable to an exercise in mutual backslapping and self congratulation, often fuelled by an excess of food and drink.

That may be the main reason why the Most Innovative Law Firm award will, deservedly, fall flat on its face. Not the Nigerian scam undercurrent of the unsolicited email. Not even the unfortunate acronym that the award’s trophy would no doubt graphically illustrate. Think again, lads. If you’re going to give us the perfect chance to waste money for your benefit, at least give us an excuse for a booze up.

 

*Name changed to protect the innocent/guilty. For all the commercial benefit likely to have been generated from the award, it may as well have made by the SCCPFAI. One small clue: the award peddlers’ actual name is two words, the second of which is International, and it sounds remarkably similar to one ending in Monthly.

Canine Claims: is the law an ass? Who struck the dogs out?

Hat tip to Legal Cheek for spotting the judgment in the Moosun case that no doubt livened up an otherwise dull day in the High Court Chancery Division two weeks ago. Mrs Moosun, having evidently spotted a clear opportunity to further her quest to be declared a vexatious litigant, chose not only to add her infant children to her £5.5 million claim against HSBC and solicitors’ firm Shoosmiths, but also her two dogs, identified for the record by Mr Justice Snowden as Goldie, aged 18 months, and Diamond, aged 2 years.

In deciding the outcome of HSBC’s application to strike the claim out, Snowden J demonstrated ample reserves of patience. He observed for the record that Mrs Moosun had not appeared “and neither do any of the other persons and animals named as claimants in the proceedings”. Moving on, he dispensed with the canine claimants in succinct fashion: -

“Miss Wilmot-Smith also makes the obvious point that dogs are not capable of bringing legal proceedings. Among other things, Part 2.3(1) of the Civil Procedure Rules defines ‘claimant’ as a person who makes a claim, and a dog is not a person. I also cannot see how a dog could give instructions for a claim to be brought on its behalf or be liable for any orders made against it. There are a whole host of other reasons why proceedings by dogs must be void, and accordingly I am satisfied that in so far as the claim purports to be made on behalf of the two dogs it should also be struck out.”

The things judges have to do to make their judgments appeal proof. And to ensure that they are not seen to have dispensed ruff justice. (I will permit myself one hideous canine pun and leave it at that.)

But Mrs Moosun, and indeed Goldie and Diamond, may have missed a trick. If they had made the effort to attend court, they could have drawn the judge’s attention to the 1979 judgment* of the great Lord Denning M.R. in Grenouille v National Union of Seamen, in which he determined that a frog was a person in law and accordingly had the necessary standing to bring injunction proceedings before the courts, especially where the respondent was a wicked and irresponsible trade union. In particular: -

“The decent member of the community – frog or human – who has fallen victim to injustice at the hands of dangerous, unchristian, wicked and irresponsible conglomerations of power…..must have the right to seek help from the courts, and the courts must offer a remedy. For them to do otherwise would be to betray those revered men who, so many centuries ago, gathered in that silent meadow at Runnymede. To those who said that frogs were beyond the law, the answer was that if frogs were beyond the law, then the rule of law existed no longer. [I am] in no doubt that that could not be so, and that frogs, for all legal purposes, were persons able to sue and be sued in the courts of Her Majesty.”

Had Goldie and Diamond fallen victim to injustice? Were the bank and the law firm irresponsible conglomerations of power? We will never know…

*A piece of classic satire from the law reports section of Not Yet The Times, published when The Times was not appearing because of a strike, reflecting the distinctive literary style and content of Denning judgments. Would Mrs Moosun have realised this? Again, we will never know…

Craven Conflict: now published on Kindle Direct

Delighted to confirm that my new legal suspense drama "Craven Conflict", finally emerging after two and a half years' worth of creativity and 25 years' worth of mixed memories and experiences in the legal profession, has now been published via Kindle Direct.

From the back cover: -


Barely days after recruitment consultant Karen Rutherford’s right hand man suddenly quits, she is horrified to discover the theft ...of her database and an underhand campaign to entice her clients away and destroy her business. Anger turns to disbelief when immediate legal redress fails. Her livelihood threatened to the core, she finds herself locked into a courtroom battle escalating into bitter conflict when a fraught episode from her private life pours oil on already troubled waters.

Not far away, legal executive Paul Craven can hardly believe his luck and his headhunter’s skills when he lands his dream job. Or so he thought. As the cold reality of the new workplace sinks in, it slowly dawns on him that his deepest personal secret - his affliction with Asperger’s Syndrome - may be impossible to keep to himself any longer. Amid the turmoil, being drawn into someone else’s legal dispute was all he needed.

Craven Conflict. Unwelcome choices. Harsh decisions. Barely lesser evils.


Thanks to Book Cover Cafe for producing a great cover.

Know anyone else who likes John Grisham, Michael Connolly or Jeffrey Archer, and who might be interested in something similar but different? Feel free to share a link.

Pre-Paid Funeral Plans: opportunity or scam?

Not for the first time, I sense the need to write about scams.

A few days ago, I was alerted to an incoming email on the subject of “Pre-Paid Funeral Plans for as little as £6 per week”. Well, not quite. The email title described the product in question as “Pre-Paid Fuineral Plans”. Moral of the story for scammers: learn how to spell and you might stand a chance of catching a few more innocent victims.

The glossy ad embedded within the email set out to promote the virtues of a pre-paid funeral, citing average costs here and now and concluding with high praise for the benefits of fixing the funeral cost at today’s prices, all wrapped up with “reassurance for your loved ones”. At the foot of the email, a copyright notice in the name of “Plan My Funeral” and the registered office details for “Plan My Funeral Limited” (co.reg. 9447388). Its website link led to a page with a call to action, “Invest in a pre-paid funeral plan today!”, and used dramatic large print for the rallying cry “Do something AMAZING for your family and loved ones TODAY!”

Tasteful, eh? Inspired by the possibility of telling the company’s (unnamed) directors what I thought of their advertising, it took me around two minutes to find out their personal details on Companies House (which I will withhold) and to ascertain that the company was only formed in February 2015, a veritable corporate youth.

Hang on a minute. The APPLY NOW and PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES NOW tabs within the email evidently did not lead to Plan My Funeral Limited’s website. The destination link was a mystery web page belonging to “selectedwinner.co.uk” – coincidentally the email address suffix for the sender. Nothing to do with funerals, if Google is to be believed – more like fishing for entrants for questionable online competitions. It probably spoke volumes that Google’s autocomplete came up with “scam” when the search terms went into the box. Second moral of the story for scammers: you’d better work harder on your disguises.

Back to prepaid funerals. The AMAZING act that will PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES is evidently all about making weekly payments to an intermediary. The deceased in waiting is invited to rest assured (not in peace, well not yet) that his payments will by necessary implication be forwarded at some stage to an undertaker, who will do the honours in due course. Hmm. What advantage flows to the individual contemplating the financial consequences of his inevitable demise by doing so this way, rather than tucking his weekly funeral instalments away in one of those boring old building societies where he can keep an eye on the fund at all times, safe in the knowledge that it has not been spirited away?

“Oh, but it’s for your peace of mind”, the prepaid funeral providers may respond, “you won’t be tempted to dip into it, your loved ones will be protected…” Well, here’s a thought. Just suppose that the funeral funds, which might not of course be needed for the sombre event for many years, were not in fact tucked away in a safe place awaiting the undertaker’s bill for services rendered to the grieving family. Who would have entered into the prepaid funeral contract with the intermediary, thereby becoming the only party truly entitled to sue for breach of contract? Yes, that’s right, the deceased. OK, there’s always scope to sue in the deceased’s name, but who would want to prolong their grief in circumstances where the funds had vanished? Especially if the intermediary had conveniently gone bust in the meantime?

So are prepaid funeral plans a thoughtful, golden opportunity for peace of mind, or a product that ought to be buried six feet under? Discuss.

Craven Conflict - a new work in progress

I am in the process of finalising my third book, working title "Craven Conflict". From the back cover: -

 

Barely days after recruitment consultant Karen Rutherford’s right hand man unexpectedly quits his job, she discovers to her horror that he has stolen her database and launched an underhand campaign to entice her clients away and destroy her business. Her anger turns to disbelief when the law fails to come to her immediate aid. With her livelihood threatened to the core, she finds herself locked into a courtroom battle that escalates into bitter conflict when a fraught episode from her private life pours oil on already troubled waters.  

Not far away, legal executive Paul Craven can barely believe his luck and his headhunter’s skills when he lands his dream job. Or so he thought. As the cold reality of the new workplace sinks in, it slowly dawns on him that his deepest personal secret - the fact that he is afflicted with Asperger’s Syndrome - may be impossible to keep to himself any longer. Amid the turmoil, being drawn into someone else’s commercial dispute was all he needed…

Craven Conflict. Unwelcome choices. Harsh decisions. Barely lesser evils.

 

 

Interested? Like to read the opening section? Just click on the Prologue: Craven Conflict tab (above).

 

If you would like to receive an alert when it's completely finished and ready for publication, please use the Contact Me link (above).

Royal Blood and Keane: an intriguing echo

At first sight there’s little or nothing in common between Keane, best known for the alternative sounds illustrated by “Everybody’s Changing”, and the hard rock band of the moment Royal Blood who announced their arrival in uncompromising fashion at the Brit Awards. It’s an interesting coincidence that both bands are from Sussex, with only a short distance separating their home towns of Brighton and Battle. But there’s something else that links their respective debut albums.

If you take perhaps the two most instantly recognisable songs from Keane’s debut “Hopes and Fears”, namely “Somewhere Only We Know” and “Everybody’s Changing”, what’s instantly noticeable? A very distinct piano introduction. Listen to the whole album, without knowing the back story, and you may be wondering what happened to the guitar. Incredible as it may seem for what became the second best selling UK album of 2004, the lead instrument throughout the album was the piano, without use of a guitar at all. And yet it worked.

Now let’s imagine someone with a fair grounding in traditional hard rock is listening to Royal Blood’s eponymous debut, without any prior knowledge of the band. What’s to be found? Plenty of bludgeoning riffs in Black Sabbath style, for a start. The energy of the new wave of British rock trailblazers from the early 80s. A touch of ZZ Top boogie in “You Can Be So Cruel”. But none of the downside of thrash metal. Quite the opposite – it’s not too far fetched to think that “Figure It Out” could have been ideally suited to Robert Plant in his prime, or even in his mature years.

This is where it gets all the more amusing. Picture a hard rock version of that dreadful BBC show “The Voice”, with a panel member swivelling his chair to confirm his approval of the band and seeing them in the flesh for the first time. Likely reactions: “Where’s the rest of you?” Closely followed by “where’s the lead guitar? Are you taking the mickey?”

Well, no. There are only two of them. And the entire guitar sound comes from a bass. But the fact that Mike Kerr’s instrument is two strings short of a lead does not in any way leave the band sounding two beers short of a six pack. You’ll probably end up listening to the debut album over and over again to spot the gaps that a conventional band would have filled in with a bass behind the lead. And realising why such a legendary guitarist as Jimmy Page believes they are taking rock to a new realm.

Any connection between the Keane and Royal Blood debuts and fiction writing? Just this. There was a time when a conventional mainstream publisher was considered as essential to an author as a lead guitar to a band. Evidently no longer.